Why am I always late for my mentoring meetings?
Why can’t I get out of bed to start my day?
Saturday I was late, again, for my meeting with my mentor. Our resulting conversation led me to question, why? Why was I always late for my meetings with her when she has been so gracious to agree to mentor me on her own precious time?
She asked me, “ Do you think that you are unworthy to be mentored by me [which clearly shows why I was led to ask her to mentor me- her oozing confidence yet with great humility, knowing unashamedly who she is and whose she is!]?
So this Monday morning around 5:30 am, the thoughts that were rolling around my head this weekend to these questions were finally answered as God and I met to talk.
The long and short of it? I hate getting out of bed. I don’t want to face my day. When I finally get up, the things I have to do obviously lead to me being late. This past Saturday I was to meet my mentor at 11:00. I woke up just a little after 7 but did not drag myself out of bed until 10:02, wishing that I did not have to. During my time in bed, God and I had the coolest, most revealing conversations about Him, about me, as I kept all the while protesting my desire to stay right there with Him, hoping He would let my mentor cancel. Because of my knowledge of Him and the sensing of the Holy Spirit, I knew I had to go, so it was imperative that she canceled if I was to stay home! I wanted to stay in my safe, comfortable bed. The same thing I do each day, even on Sundays.
Why? Why did I hate getting out of bed? Why did I hate that the night was over and morning was here?
Too many disappointments over the years.
Hope deferred too often.
So why have I been unable to get to my mentor on time? Do I find that I am unworthy as she asked?
I don’t want to have to bear the disappointment of another person professing to be able to help me, promise they will be there for me, yet hurt me and even walk off and disappear! I don’t want any more pain and disappointment in realizing that this person is not of the “7000” who have not bowed their knees to Baal (1 Kings 19:18), who is not passionately, completely, eternally in love with Jesus, and who delights in reading and obeying His word.
So is it because I think I am unworthy? Not in the eyes of man, but maybe in my view of how God views me since my focus of my life is off. I am focused on what is happening to me instead of what God is doing. My mentor once counseled me to walk away from my yesterdays, to not interpret my present neither my future through the lens of my past experiences.
I surrendered my life to Him. I have asked Him for His purpose and His will. So, therefore, I have to trust God’s NOW for me. I have to accept His plans for me, see all that is happening in my life as His good for me. The disappointments and pain are all being worked together for my good according to His purpose because He loves me and I love Him. So my answer is a resounding, yes, to Levi Lusko’s question, “Are you willing to use your pain as a platform for the nation’s salvation?”
I must see all my life as part of God’s plan for me. Accepting fully the “bird” in my hand, running with it, and stop chasing after the “two birds in the bush,” which I am constantly focused on so that I cannot see what is in my hand.
I must accept that I am not a random item, unseen by God, unheard by God. He SEES me. He HEARS me. He IS responding in my NOW. But I miss it because my focus is, as my mentor stated, on my assumptions, my ideas of how I think things should be.
In doing this, I am aimless, frustratingly, unhappily, wearily beating the bushes in my futile search for those two beautiful birds I imagine, totally ignoring the one in my hand. The one God has placed in my hand. For my good and to fulfill His plans. Like my mentor.
Hence my weariness.
My disappointments.
My desire to stay in bed and not care for the bird in my hand.
Thank God that He does not give me my own way. Going to the meeting with my mentor led to me finding these answers.
Oh, Lord.
I surrender.
I ask you firgive4ness for my lack of humility, for telling you by my actions that I know what is best for me. That I know what I need now. Lord, I humble myself before your mighty hand. I accept what you put before me. I receive your grace to successfully navigate my day, to tyh5rove and not just to survive. To use the tools you have downloaded into my spirit, including those you used my mentor to share with me, to live the abundant life you purchased for my with your precious, priceless blood.
I come.
P.S. Surprisingly (like the church treated Peter’s release from prison after praying all night for him- Acts 12:13), because of my weekend revelations, my day today was awesome despite the same old circumstances that I faced in my yesterdays! Thanks, Lord.